Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Nineteen Going On Twenty.

 Nineteen is a countdown. It's a blur of familiar places, people, and things. Nineteen is failing and falling and learning how to get back up (over & over & over again). It's a waitress, a drive thru, and a bicycle shop. It's sneaking into bars and drinking with strangers who then become friends. It tastes like heartbreak and cheap vodka. Nineteen looks like that girl you knew, but don't really recognize anymore. It's the color lavender and it smells like smoke. It's a rough patch. Nineteen sounds a lot like "temporary". It also sounds a lot like "I'm sorry" and "I love you." It's waking up one morning with a gut feeling (trust that). It's a change of plans and it makes everyone uneasy. Nineteen… hurt. A lot. It's freedom that you don't know what to do with. It's road trips and laughter and dollar store sunglasses. It's Coors Lite and Fireball. It's parked cars and skinny boys. Nineteen tricks you into thinking you don't need anyone, that your alone and alive and surviving and then it smacks you in the face and you miss your mom, your sister, home cooked meals, and maybe even the sound of the word "home." Nineteen looks very similar to eighteen, seventeen, and sixteen, but it traded a solo cup for a shot glass and credibility for cancelled plans. Nineteen was not falling in love, but falling for something familiar. It was wild and it was fun and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Nineteen is who I am today. I still have brown hair and green eyes. I'm the same girl, just maybe not the same anymore. I loved, I lost, and I learned this year. Nineteen broke me, but it also made me stronger. I'm the same girl…just maybe not the same anymore.

"But the best people you will ever meet have wandered off their track, found themselves along the way & have no need to wander back"

In twenty days, I will be twenty years old. I used to think that twenty was synonymous with the word "adult" and meant freedom. Now, it sounds more like another word for "panic attack" and means rent, rules, and responsibility. Twenty scares the shit out of me. It's the deep end of the pool and for some reason I feel like I forgot how to swim. There's this fear of drowning, but I'm being pushed in the water. Sink or swim. I hope twenty feels like coming up for air and realizing that I  knew how to swim the whole time.

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